Lost In My Mind
by emonemotheturtle
Summary: internal monologs of my favorite scenes... I'm starting from the beginning and going in order so this will take a while. REQUESTS WELCOME
1. Chapter 1

"Katie belongs to the new attending now, Dr. Shepherd. He's over there."

 _Right, ok, Dr. Shepherd, that should be easy enough, oh shit. She noticed exactly who Dr. Shepherd was: Dr. Derek Shepherd. Great, nice going Mer. I have to get out of here. Crap. He saw me. Ok_ well _maybe I can get reassigned. Where did Bailey go?_ Meredith turned and started walking back down the hall. "Meredith can I talk to you?" an all too familiar voice said as an all too familiar hand grabbed her arm and led her into the stairwell. _No you may not._

"Dr. Shepherd," she started as they both looked around to make sure they were alone.

"Dr. Shepherd? This morning it was Derek, now it's Dr. Shepherd?"

Meredith took a breath strengthening her resolve again, "Dr. Shepherd we should pretend it never happened." Her voice was strong, firm, assured-the complete opposite of how she felt.

"What never happened? You sleeping with me last night? Or you throwing me out this morning? Because both are fond memories I'd like to hold on to."

 _He doesn't get it. He thinks this is a joke, that this is funny. This could ruin me before I can even get started. What would my mother say?_

"No! There will be no memories. I'm not the girl in the bar anymore and you're not the guy. This can't exist. You get that right?"

He nodded slightly and Meredith thought she might actually be getting somewhere, getting through to him.

"You took advantage of me and now you want to forget about it."

 _God what is wrong with him?_ "I did not take advantage…"

"I was drunk, vulnerable, and good looking and you took advantage."

"Ok I was the one who was drunk and you are not that good looking," Meredith smiled despite her anger and frustration.

"Maybe not today but last night? Last night I was very good looking. I had my red shirt on…" He stepped to her other side. "Wanna take advantage again? Say Friday night?"

 _Shit how does he do that?_ "No!" Meredith snapped herself out of it. "You're an attending and I'm your intern." He really wasn't getting this. "Stop looking at my like that." She wanted to slap him.

"Like what?" Derek asked innocently.

"Like you've seen me naked." He smiled at her. "Dr. Shepherd! This is inappropriate," Meredith started to leave. "Has that ever occurred to you?"


	2. Chapter 2

p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"Meredith opened the door to the sound of Christina's voice. She turned the corner to see Izzie, Christina, and George sitting in her living room sifting through her mother's old surgical tapes, eating pizza, and drinking beer./p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"George jumped up, "We were… we were just… Christina made us."/p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"Meredith would normally be angry. She would've hated that they had been going through the boxes around the house without her permission. It just wasn't worth it. She didn't want to be mad at them. She liked having them around. Roommates, friends, it wasn't so bad./p  
p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"emBeing alone is overrated./em/p 


	3. Chapter 3

Meredith just stood there. _She knows me? She asks about me?_

"Hey" Derek's voice came from behind her making her jump. She quickly hung up the phone. "A lot of secret phone calls today."

"Yeah," Meredith said quietly, still lost in her thoughts. "It's my mother."

 _Should I tell him? My mother didn't want anyone to know but… He's not just anyone and I can't keep this to myself forever it's suffocating me. I certainly can't keep lying to Derek._

She looked up at him then looked down again. She took a breath. "She isn't traveling. She isn't writing a book." With every word Meredith felt the weight being lifted from her shoulders. "She isn't anything. My mother has Alzheimer's."

Derek looked up from his chart, nothing but concern in his eyes. "How advanced?"

"Very." Once she started she couldn't stop. "She's in a home." She should have done this ages ago. "I'm the only one who even knows she's sick. I just don't know what to do anymore."

Derek brushed the hair off her face and brought her closer to him. Meredith already felt so much better just having said it out loud. Derek kissed the top of her head and told her everything would be ok.


	4. Chapter 4

Derek turned around to see his wife and his stomach dropped to the floor. He'd been caught. _Shit_. He looked back at girlfriend. "Meredith I am so sorry" he said as Addison walked towards them. _How the hell did this happen?_ He looked back at Addison with a spiteful grin on his face. "Addison, what are you doing here?" he breathed.

"Well you would know if you'd bothered to return any one of my phone calls" she spat at him. Yeah he really should have done that. No this would have happened eventually. He couldn't keep it secret forever but did it have to end now.

"Hi I'm Addison Shepherd." Addison extended her hand to Meredith to shake.

 _How polite, Satan._

"Shepherd?" Meredith squeaked glancing to Derek.

 _She doesn't deserve this. Meredith didn't do anything. Stop punishing her._

"And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."

 _And the world just went up in flames._

Derek turned to leave and stopped dead in his tracks. Meredith saw the woman walking towards them. _What's going on? Who the hell is she?_ Derek turned to her "Meredith I am so sorry." _Sorry about what? What is going on?_

"Addison, what are you doing here?" he breathed. _Ok so he knows her._

"Well you would know if you'd bothered to return any one of my phone calls" she spat at him.

 _She's pissed and I'm still lost. Wait, is that who's phone call he ignored this morning?_

"Hi I'm Addison Shepherd." Addison extended her hand to Meredith to shake.

Ok _it could be a sister though they don't look anything alike. Who am I kidding?_

"Shepherd?" Meredith squeaked glancing to Derek.

"And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."

Meredith felt like she'd been slapped in the face. All the air was sucked right out of her chest; she couldn't breathe. _What the hell Derek?_

 _There they are,_ Addison thought bitterly as she walked towards her husband and his mistress. "Meredith I am so sorry." _Oh shut up you bastard._

"Addison, what are you doing here?" he breathed. _Don't be stupid._

"Well you would know if you'd bothered to return any one of my phone calls" she spat at him. She turned to face the other woman, "Hi I'm Addison Shepherd." Addison extended her hand to Meredith to shake.

"Shepherd?" Meredith squeaked glancing to Derek. _That's right girly._

"And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband." _So get the hell out._


End file.
